Why You Should Consider Mediation for a Custody Dispute

People in family law disputes often feel hurt and broken by the actions of their spouse. Adultery, domestic violence, lying, belittling, and emotional abuse are some of the common concerns we see. Their hurt is so deep that it has become a physical sensation and they can never imagine a time when they won’t be consumed by their anger and grief. No one can hurt you quite as badly as those you have deeply loved. Because of the hurt and anger, people often don’t come to mediation with an open mind in custody disputes.  

Why Mediation Can Be A Great Option

It might seem strange that I suggest you come to mediation with the person who caused you so much pain, but hear me out. That person is also the father or mother of your child, your grandchildren’s grandmother etc. While it sounds impossible now, you will have to be in the same room with that person for violin recitals, school plays, graduations, broken bones, weddings, and at birthday parties for their entire lives. Trust me when I say that a meditated outcome will make the next several decades so much easier. Why? Because we often see how court makes things worse for families.

Court Can Make Things Worse

People often hire lawyers believing that court cannot possibly make anything worse because they are so angry and things are so bad. However, litigation and cross examination quickly heighten tensions.   Soon opposing counsel is twisting your words and exposing things you thought your spouse would never share with anyone, all to make you look like an abusive, mentally unstable person.  That’s when you realize that it is possible to get even angrier and that your trust could be violated in ways you never thought possible.

The stress of back and forth correspondence, the preparation for court and your lawyer’s bills can wear you down. Sometimes this can last for months or even years. At the end of it, a stranger in a black robe decides not only your fate, but the fate of your children. At this point, win or lose doesn’t even matter anymore. You just feel done and you are even more so unable to say your ex’s name, let alone be in the same room for a ballet rehearsal.

A Better Alternative

Your lawyer can help you choose a skilled mediator who will make sure you are empowered to share your concerns and validate your feelings. The issues most important to you and your children will be the focus of the mediation. In many mediations, creative solutions can be reached that work better for your family, compared to what a judge would order. The process saves you tens of thousands of dollars and an outcome is reached much sooner, cutting down on the stress of uncertainty.

Many people believe that they are too hurt or too angry for mediation, but it is often not true. You wouldn’t consider mediation if you and your ex were in agreement or if you had good communication. A good mediator expects for there to be tension, hurt and even a high level of conflict upon starting the mediation. Mediation is not about making those feelings go away, but about facilitating a process where at least some issues can be resolved without a judge. 

Redefine Your Family

Mediation allows you to redefine your family rather than destroy it. Instead of harming your children by putting them in the middle, you and your spouse will model the incredibly tough and brave work of resolving differences — even when you are not ready to forgive or forget. I’ve seen first-hand divorces destroy parent-child relationships, and in those situations, there are no winners. The children are the ones who suffer the most.

Control the Outcome

A good mediator will always emphasize that you are in control of the outcome in mediation. No mediator should ever force you into a resolution or tell you what is best for your children. If you don’t reach an agreement that is ok. It is a voluntary process and maybe you will walk away from the process understanding the issues a little better and feeling like your ex understands you a little better.